The big funding meeting is going on right now. This meeting, in so many ways, sort of decides my fate as a philosophy grad student. And I have no real faith that things are going to work out for me...either in teaching or in funding or in them just picking up the tab on my coursework. I had a meltdown yesterday about all this...a tame meltdown, but something that I would term a freakout nonetheless. There is no sort of administrative system that dictates who teaches or doesn't, and the method of how they picked those of us that get funding in this institution had no rhyme or reason...which makes me feel really great. I fucking hate it here. I might actually transfer my ass outta here, but that is a decision I will have to think long and hard about before making anything definite. There are some things that I like about V., some professors who I think are amazing and that have a lot to teach me, but all the same, I may have to bail out and go somewhere else, where they can at least pick up the tab on my coursework, or even *gasp* give me a fellowship. There are so many deceptive things about this place, and how it gets pitched to you isn't necessarily how it really is. And I'm in fucking Nashville. Not that I get to do much that is Nashvillian, but it is the icing on it all. I'm out in the wasteland at the moment, and very few people seem to care. Maybe I shouldn't care, either. But I hate it here. And trying to explain to one's mother what one doesn't like about what one CHOSE to do is difficult. <
> <> Yes, yes, and yes. There are so many tangible and intangible things about this place that I hate. I really fucking hate it here. In a lot of ways, this place is bullshit. It's just difficult to defend one's decisions when a parent won't understand what you mean. Whatever. I have to write another fucking paper that won't help me improve my lot in this shithole. If it's good, it doesn't really matter. If it's bad, it doesn't really matter. This place is the actualization of the existential struggle. I thought by this point, I would be trying to push a book up a hill, but I'm still stuck with this fucking big boulder.
Out.
UNINSPIRED
All I wanted was a fucking Diet Coke from the machine in the library. That's all I really wanted. But that was too much of a request, obviously. The trendy machine that tries not to shake your soda, and rolls it down to the slot for you had lots of sodas and waters stuck in the bottom of the machine. It would have been an exercise in futility trying to get a fucking Coke then. FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS> fuckers fuckers fuckers.
This is the icing on the emotional cake of the day. (Purposely sounding like D.W.)
what the fuck ever.
Media: The Talking Heads "Psychokiller"
Mood: Tired, but determined to type up this paper
Weather: Vaguely after sunset, cold toes in the comp lab
Well, as you can tell, I am still papering. And there will be more to come children, oh yes, there will be more. I'm just taking a break from typing up Irigaray's take on Freud to read some blog and share my day. Nothing really happened. Last night I went to Noshville (part of my ongoing EAT NASHVILLE campaign), a real NY deli. Ok, so I put off this one for a really long time, because, hi, I'm not in NY, and as such, I didn't want another disappointing pizza story to tell about a deli. But this time, things worked out. It was NY style in every way. A Jewish deli complete with a waitress asking me, "Cawffee?" and me ordering a French Dip sandwich (Freedom dip? Dumbass dip? No, just French dip) -- and it was fucking awesome. Yes, NY prices, unfortunately, but good food, good company, good times. I went with Mike and Norman, and after that we all went to see
Anger Management. It was pretty good. I always enjoy Nicholson. Apparently my mother laughed her ass off at this flick, as she is wont to do, but for me...it was good, and I'll leave it at that. It was heartwarming or something like this, and I left with a small grin on my face as Louis Prima's "When You're Smilin'" became the outtro music. Damn, I love Louis Prima. Either way, we met up with Caleb and Joshcrites in the movie, not necessarily on purpose, but a happy addition. After that more work.
Today was just office madness, scamming copies, meeting with Gregg about
Casino and
Closeup, and typing. Lots of typing. I still have to edit my Am Democ paper one more time, but that is still on the horizon for me. I want to type in my fem edits for right now, and then think of dinner and democracy.
