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The PhiLLer
That's Just Insipid!
The Cocktail Sermons

 
In addition, I've got a new poem for you to ponder. I wrote it at about 5am after I wandered back into / snuck back into my apartment, and tried not to awake my sleeping brother. No title as of yet. Feel free to comment.
_________________________
COMPOSED 14 May 2004

why is it that
all our ghosts
are secret psychic vampires
pinching and bleeding us
our nails too dull
to do it ourselves

the torture nightly
the shadowbox memory
swings us back at each other
at ourselves really
it's so immaterial
still we fail to notice

the gleam gone from so many
eyes watching eyes
trying to decipher movements
because vision's the only
sense left to us --
those with broken hearts
see so clearly
and it's painful beauty to watch

hearts ejected -- I step on mine
all the time, somehow easier
this way / as I stop wondering
about you, and those songs
don't bother so much as they
used to / don't cut to the
quick how you always could

but the psychic drain
is on / truly it's on
as I write these words of denial
I know one better

than leaving unmarked pictures
in mailboxes, or clover on your car

who is over what?

you sold me the moon once
on my balcony of promises
that can neither be made
nor kept, now let's just be honest

what were we talking about
just then / when you called
until my phone rang off
the hook and message upon
message left until I knew
I had to pick up and deal
with all this
that look of worry in your eyes
had you lost me?
were we lost then?

all this fluidity
and energy exchange

and gestures made to
unfreeze your heart
(mine still gone)
we could have saved
each other - in secret endeavors

but why are all ghosts
secret psychic vampires
finishing what these hands
could not / and oh how quick
and oh my love
oh how quick

the dance on and on
bleeding us
bleeding

until dry
heart on feet
maybe melted

and I'm barefoot
at your door

 
Return of the Slap

So today J. - who you may call Courtney Love or Julia Child, depending on what sort of alcohol is imbibed and in what setting - invited me to another of his brunches. I thought that I was permanently off the list both because A) the only reason I was invited in the first place was because I was dating his roommate, and now that we aren't together..., and B) I slapped that guy back back back a couple of months ago. But surprise of surprises, I managed to find my way back onto this list. Is this a good thing? Should I want to attend such an event? And yes, Christopher will be there, as J. forewarned me, or as he put it, "People I hate" will be there. I'm pretty sure that was the phrasing, but regardless of slappability, I don't HATE anybody. So I'm invited, and I may well go. Still it seems a bit strange that I have been reinvited to such things. I don't know how to feel about it.

In other news...today was a bit HOT and I tried to do some reading / writing on my deck. Just me, the Talking Heads, Bjork, and some Hegel. I wrote some scattered things, but I don't know how good they are yet. I still have to leaf through a hundred pages or so of the AESTHETICS to find out about the Concept acc. to Hegel.

As for tonight...I tried to twist the arm of a hottie to come out with myself and L., but who knows if that will work out. He is down for karaoke on Tuesday, however, so that will be fun. A new addition to the circle, and potential in other arenas. So I may go to a get together on a friend's porch, or - - - - - -

 
End of the Loaf

Hopefully today will bring my loafing and couching spree to a grinding halt. I guess I've needed to decompress a bit since my family left town, and have gotten sucked into the 5 channels I get with antenna (one of them is M2). I did manage to get out of the house yesterday, however, both for icecream and beer (this doesn't really compare to the time junior year that Devin locked me out of my apt on my marathon day...I was just trying to grab quick dinner between radio and EXP theater and returned to a locked door...and went across the hall and Dave Nellins helped me out with some beer and cookies). I met up with my dept and had a beer, and then the consensus was to go downtown. I wasn't really into an all night adventure, but went anyway. The decision for downtown was because Hillsboro Village was pretty dead, and they figured that we'd end up there by the end of the night. It was a lackluster event, and pretty un-adventurous, if I do say so myself. We walked from bar to bar, each as dead as the last, which from my point of view isn't a bad thing -- we could have actually *gasp* had a conversation with each other. But no no...from the Flying Saucer to the Beer Cellar to the Stage to Tootsies to other assorted honkey tonks, the evening was, in my opinion, a wash. I even got to hear a live band do "Sweet Home Alabama." So evenually we concede defeat and go back to Hillsboro Village and to the Villager -- play some darts. I was about to leave, but then David Bowie came on (someone was like WHO is this?) and I had to stay to hear him say, "ooooh baby, just you shut your mouth!" That was the long and short of the night. What will tonight hold?

 
What Have I Done Today?

Well, let's just say that little miss shiftless didn't get up until about one or one thirty...and then I kinda just sat on my deck for a while, watching the clouds. A beautiful eighty someodd degrees here in TN, and not too humid for a change. I ate left over Chinese food (the best I've found to date) and just loafed around. I should be writing my final paper of the semester, but I feel rather sleepy and uninspired today (a shame, that), and feel my thoughts flinging back to my ex-boyfriend who will probably never call me again. It's so stupid -- we've been apart for almost 2 months now, and I'm still thinking about him and wondering if he's ok, etc. Apparently he's weird about his ex-s, and so he doesn't even know how to answer the phone if I call. And he told me as much the last time I saw him (I'm friends with his roommate), and he promised that the next time I call he'll answer the phone. But who says I'm going to call again? Why should I really? I guess I'm also thinking of him because I took back a song yesterday that I haven't been able to listen to since we broke up -- basically because I associate it with him. And isn't it funny that even if one knew and liked the band and the song before said other person was ever in the picture, he/she has the ability to color and creep into a song to the extent that one can't even really listen to it anymore? The band is the Talking Heads (I had to take a little hiatus from them) and the song that took me a month and a half to be able to play again is "This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)" -- but I decided that it was about time that I take it back, and so I did, and even played it on the radio yesterday. So maybe I'm uninspired at the moment. I even have SANJURO to watch if I want, or this Jacques Tati film...but I just feel kinda blah. Summer is not supposed to be BLAH. Maybe I'll walk down the street and get some icecream.

 
It's Murder on the Dancefloor

It's been a little minute since I've posted, so I figured I'd let y'all in on what's been going on in my life. Well, the first major event, finished up the Heidegger-Nietzsche fest, and didn't even open the double volume that Heidegger dedicated to the subject. A bold move, to be sure, but I just focused on their takes on history and on the problems of the modern age - distress and nihilism respectively, and made out with a 30 page opus on these German dudes who wrote some stuff once upon a time. The end of the paper basically read like, so Heidegger and Nietzsche wrote about history and about the problems of modernity! Funny thing that! THE END! The conclusion was definitely weak, but I couldn't look at it any more, and so I just turned it in. The next day I was saddled with 20 final papers ranging in topic from animal rights to justice to taxation to feminism and self consciousness. I'd already read a whopping 12 of them at various stages, and some the night before the major morning due date. Then I went out for some karaoke action. I forget what I sang. Perhaps "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia for 90s appeal and cheesy girl emo action. Perhaps it was "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners - my first ever karaoke adventure that I embarked on with Kyle when in Scotland and had a whole pub chanting along and raising their beers. Either way, the next morning being at school at just about nine seemed really really early...I was sleep deprived, I saw a robin take a premeditated poop on concrete (he looked in both directions, and then laid it down, he KNEW what he was up to) and I thought this was the funniest thing ever. I then arrive at the department, collect papers from the influx of students / from my mailbox. Mike B. brought in some danish and OJ and we had a little grading session. I related my bird poop story and lost my shit while telling it -- he said that he'd never heard me laugh so hard. I found this hard to believe, but I was laughing and telling the story incoherently for ten minutes or something. I even imagined what my brother would have said if he had been present: "Erin, that's not even funny. You're stupid." And I laughed even harder. Then I went and graded in the sun, but not until I went to the bookstore with Mike to procure some supplies for Lachs, at which point I bought an owl in a Vanderbilt teeshirt that I dubbed a pooping owl instead of a hooting owl. I graded some more, then went home 2 or 3 shy of done with grading. Blah blah blah, the rest of the week is a blur? NO! I went to see the Walkmen play on Thursday night after I did crazy yoga that afternoon with Katie -- my upside down lotus rocks ass, I'll have you know. Then Katie and Patrick went to see Prince (I was broke, so I opted for a different show). The Walkmen rocked...very raw. Then tried to find Lucas, couldn't, so I went home. Get message from Patrick that they are at Boscos having some beer...and so I meet them there and we all go out dancing. In the words of a certain Mr. Watts, I drink whiskey like a man...and that's what Patrick thought I wanted to drink that night...and so I did. It was a crazy night of dancing and driving people home at 5 am, and me in bed by seven. JUMP AHEAD>>>>> When I dropped my mom off at the airport this Sunday morning, I told her I hadn't seen this side of 7am since I was still awake....referring to that Thurs night. So on Monday of the week prior to this airport run, my brother and my mom come into town for a week -- mom on business and my brother for fun because I basically twisted his arm, in that I've almost been down here for 2 years (start to get freaked out) and he hasn't been down yet. So he comes down. Karaoke is had, food is eaten, I had some Boddington's and think of Marty. Justin leaves Saturday, mom leaves Sunday...and I have a lazy Sunday...watching IN PRAISE OF LOVE, part of CRIMSON TIDE, and the entirety of HOME ALONE. then I busted out with Lucas for a little minute. It was a long week, but mostly a good week...just lots of family action. One night I even busted out with my brother asleep on my couch...I felt like I was sneaking out...but this is my apartment! Strangeways here we come. I listen to "Six Different Ways" by the Cure many many times, off my newly acquired HEAD ON THE DOOR album. The Cure is also releasing a self-titled disc and will be touring this summer...and coming to Nashville to boot. I will be there!

Sorry so silent
Working my way out of situations
trying on new ones
hope all is well
feel inclined to say HI!